Cultivate Her

*Post by Sharon Hodde Miller*

As some of you might know, I am currently a student pursing a PhD in educational studies. I have a great passion for women in our churches and I hope my research will one day serve them, so I love to share what I’m learning from time to time. Especially when I think it can help church leaders.

In recent months I have studied a phenomenon called stereotype threat. This term refers to the pressure individuals feel in the classroom or workplace due to perceived stereotypes about themselves. For instance, women are sometimes stereotyped as being less capable at math, which can influence the way young girls perform in their math classes. If they believe they are worse at math, they are likely to perform worse regardless of natural ability.

Numerous studies have shown that the simple presence of a stereotype can inhibit academic performance, but it creates an additional obstacle. If a student or employee anticipates being stereotyped, some will actively try to undermine the stereotype. For example, a businesswoman may fear being perceived as overly emotional by her male colleagues, so she intentionally minimizes her emotions and conducts herself stoically. Unfortunately, the cognitive energy she puts into combating the stereotype also inhibits her performance. Likewise, students who find themselves resisting a stereotype in a classroom setting are less able to learn and engage the subject matter.

It is remarkable and troubling that a stereotype can be so powerful. Fortunately, researchers have also looked into the best methods for breaking the power of stereotype threat, and they have discovered two primary options:

1. An authority figure publicly debunks the stereotype. In a study at Stanford University, a group of men and women were administered a math test and their performances were recorded (Spencer and Steele, 1999). Then, the same math test was administered to a different group of men and women, but with one small change. This time, before the students began, the test administrator told the group that there was no previous gender discrepancy in performance on this test.  This simple statement debunking the stereotype about women and math made all the difference. The women in the second group tested better.

2. In-group role models. It is also helpful for victims of stereotype threat to see individuals from their own group (ie. women or minorities) functioning competently outside the stereotype (McIntyre, Paulson, Taylor, Morin and Lord, 2011). Having a talented female math teacher, for instance, can help dispel the myth that women are not good at math.

This research is fascinating, and it has led me to wonder about its application to women in the church. There are many stereotypes out there about women that are both sociological and psychological, so the cycle can be tough to break. If women believe they are not capable of thinking theologically, or leading and teaching in the church effectively, then that stereotype perpetuates an unfortunate cycle in which women are hesitant to even try.

That said, there are two applications that evangelicals can take from the above research. The first applies to men. In the same way that authority figures have the power to break stereotypes with a simple word, men in the evangelical church have that power as well. That is not to say that women should not also speak out against unbiblical stereotypes, but research seems to indicate that the power group–the group that is stereotyped as being naturally gifted or authoritative in a certain area–has particular influence in this regard. If men were to tell their wives, daughters, mothers, and sisters that women can think theologically, that women should be important voices in the church, and that the church needs the contributions of these women, that message would have a tremendous, positive impact.

I should add that this influence is evident in my own life. I have a strong and brilliant dad who has always been unconditionally supportive. Although both my parents believe in me (sometimes more than they should!) my dad would seriously fight anyone who tried to stand in my way. I am no doubt the woman I am today because my dad wanted a strong daughter.

In short, men, we need you! Challenge your wives and raise strong daughters!

The second application from the above research concerns us ladies. If we want to see younger generations of women pushing themselves and using their gifts for the Kingdom of God, then we need to be doing that ourselves. Change can be slow and discouraging at times, but the more women who are out there studying, growing and leading, the more we can expect younger women to follow our example. Change begins with us.

*Post by Shannon Miles*
I was watching NBC Nightly News a couple of months ago and Anne Thompson did a segment on women-owned businesses. Helping Women Soar in Tough Economy

As a woman who owns a business, I was naturally intrigued.  She featured a not-for-profit that provides programs, resources and networking opportunities to women wanting to advance their businesses – Count Me In: http://www.makemineamillion.org/.

I was astounded by one of Anne’s quotes.  “There are 10.5 Million women-owned businesses in America and less than 2% of them bring in more than a Million dollars.  The problem isn’t a glass ceiling.”  How could that be?  I don’t know the stats on male-owned business, but 2% just seems really low to me.  The segment goes on to explain…
Women are not being held back by glass ceilings as much as glass walls.  Whereas glass ceilings are formed by others, we form glass walls ourselves by:

We are expected to be Super Woman having to juggle home, work, church, marriage, kids, friends, hobbies, exercise…not necessarily in that order.  I wonder, though, who is setting these expectations for us?  Is it other people?  Or are we boxing ourselves in by assuming this unreasonable role.  No one ever says to me, “You aren’t productive enough.”  But I feel that way often.

A turning point for me in my business was when I hired an assistant last year.  Misti has been a life saver and has been the #1 reason I’ve been able to grow as a leader at MAG.  I’d love to say it was my idea to hire her, but actually, it was my husband’s.  He recognized my desire to do everything myself before I did.  Score a point for Bryan.

Through the process of on-boarding Misti, I realized there is some guilt associated with delegating and thinking big.  Once I got over that, I also realized Misti genuinely wanted to help me and had my best interest in mind.  She ran with everything I gave her, which freed me up to focus on more strategic initiatives.  This allowed me to network more and determine the right ways to grow MAG.

Then one day, it hit me…it was not only a good idea to ask for help and dream big, but it was wrong not to.  As a leader, the people we lead NEED us to take this approach.  If we don’t, we are going to limit ourselves, our company and burnout, leaving them ultimately out of a job.

So let me boldly encourage you all – DON’T BOX YOURSELF IN WITH GLASS WALLS! 

Give yourself permission to think big about your business, strategically network with others and delegate so you don’t lose focus.  Stop limiting yourself and allow God to expand your realm on influence to further His Kingdom!

*Post by Julie Pierce*

This time of year seems to bring a lot of “tradition talk”: what Christmas traditions do you enjoy? What new traditions do we want to try this year in hopes that it “sticks” and becomes the Hallmark moment we dreamed of? How do I kill off a tradition that my mother/friend/sister loves because it makes me absolutely crazy and sucks all the joy out of the season? (Surely I’m not the only person who asks that one?)

I absolutely love intentional, life-giving traditions. They bring a little predictable rhythm to my often un-predictable life. The traditions I look forward to most have deepened my relationships, made me laugh, and changed my perspective.

Over the years I have found that traditions aren’t just for family at the holidays; they can bring great depth and meaning to my leadership, as well.  The following are 3 leadership traditions you can try for yourself:

1) Great Book Give-Away: Make a list of your top 5 reads of the year and why you chose them. Buy copies of your #1 book. Include your list, your favorite book, and a note and send/give to leaders who are just a few steps behind you in life.

2) Looking Back/Looking Forward: Set aside a few hours for personal reflection. Use the time to answer questions about the past year in leadership and consider the year to come. Questions like: Did I meet my goals for the year? Are there any decisions I now regret? How do I want to lead differently in the year to come? Journal your answers so you can review them year after year. For more reflection questions, check out my blog post.

3) Choose a challenge: Decide on one new challenge you will take on in the coming year. Your selection could be getting an article published, running a half marathon, learning a new language.  Whatever you choose, your challenge should be something you find enjoyable that will stretch you.

What leadership traditions would you add to the list?

*Post by Shannon Miles*

A few years ago, when my daughter was 3 years old, I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping at the outlet mall.  The stroller was weighed down with bags, it was starting to get dark and she was so over the shopping trip.  It was cold in Georgia, so I put her boots on her, which were…in hindsight…more cute than practical.  She took her boots and socks of at least 8 times.  Each time I would put them back on, a little more impatiently than the time before.  Finally, I’d had it.  I had 1 more store to go it, so I gave up and let her go barefoot.

No sooner had my 3 year old defeated me, a group of women walked by us and looked at my daughter’s bare feet in December, then looked at me in judgment.  It’s amazing how with just one look, someone can communicate so much.  Instead of feeling offended or guilty, I simply laughed.  Two thoughts rushed through my head:  (1) they have no idea how many times I’ve put this child’s boots on in the last 30 minutes and (2) I was just like them before I had kids.

Matthew 7:1-2 says “1Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

I knew everything about having children…before I actually had them.  Nothing humbled me more in this life than becoming a mom.  Whether you’re a mom or not, there may be areas of your life where it’s easy for you to judge others.  Maybe you judge your girlfriends or your husband by just taking a snapshot in time and surrounding it with assumptions.  Maybe you judge your employees before gathering all the facts.

Being a leader requires us to act in truth and grace.   I encourage you to surrender your heart to God so that He may give you wisdom to make tough calls without making snap judgments.

*Post by Sharon Hodde Miller*

The Christmas season means different things for different people. For some it is joyous, for some it’s insanely busy, and for others it is bitter. And then there are those of us who resonate with all three. Christmas brings the excitement of seeing loved ones, the busyness of parties and preparations, and the ache of loved ones lost.

It is remarkable that one season can usher in such an array of emotions and memories, but there is no better season than Advent to guide us through the jumble of nostalgia, cheer, and grief.

If you find yourself in that jumbled place this Advent, remember that another woman experienced the same tension long before you. For nine months, she existed in a place marked by both hope and fear, darkness and light. Her name was Mary.

In Luke 1:46-55 we read Mary’s response to the news of her coming Messiah son. This passage is often referred to as “Mary’s Song” or the “Magnificat,” and it is a beautiful example of obedience and faith in the midst of uncertainty and instability.

Most Bible commentaries pause at this passage to exalt Mary for her faith. After all, this young teenager was pregnant out of wedlock and could very easily be cast out of the community. She could be rejected by Joseph and live the rest of her days in poverty. And yet her response was so majestic and brave! Surely this is a woman to emulate, the commentators conclude.

I have a slightly different perspective. Over the top commendations of Mary fail, in my opinion, to capture her humanity. Even Jesus felt fear in Gethsemane. Was Mary really impervious to the doubts that most of us would have experienced in her situation?

I don’t think so. And here’s why:

It’s important to know that Mary’s words were not original to her. Instead she is echoing a passage found in 1 Samuel 2, also known as Hannah’s Song. Though the passages are not identical, it is obvious that Mary was intimately familiar with Hannah’s Song and called it to memory in Luke.

The reason this is significant is that Mary’s Song was not necessarily an overflow of her heart. She may not have felt the gratitude and ecstasy that the passage implies. As a good Jewish girl, she very likely grew up learning and memorizing these verses. They were written on her heart and she could easily call them to mind. In the same way that people reflexively recite the Lord’s Prayer or Psalm 23 in the midst trauma, Mary may have summoned those words in desperation. She recited what she knew to be true about God, even if she didn’t feel it.

Of course this is speculation on my part. But no matter her reasons for proclaiming those verses, Mary was engaging in an act of discipline. She was actively conforming her heart to her mind. She knew God had been faithful in the past and would continue to be so in the future, even if it took her heart awhile to catch up with that knowledge. Until then, she preached the truths of Scripture to herself. They comforted her at a time when her entire future was totally unknown.

That is a Mary who is human. She also provides an example we can easily live out. Mary’s faithfulness is not displayed by her blind joy but by her discipline and perseverance in the face of fear and doubt. Tim Keller once described this very type of Scriptural meditation as follows:

“Meditation is an inward dialogue with oneself…It means taking your heart in hand, reasoning with it and exhorting it until it becomes engaged in blessing and rejoicing in God. We are not helpless before our emotions, sometimes almost pummeling them into submission.”

The Christmas story is one of hope, yes, but it’s also a story of disciplined waiting. Mary was given a promise, but the fulfillment of that promise was yet to come. Likewise, many of us find ourselves in that place of already and not yet. God has promised us hope and salvation, but we still live in a world of brokenness, pain and frustration.

As we dwell in this place of waiting, we can respond as Mary did by meditating on the truths of God that we have in Scripture. The same God who delivered the Israelites and the same God who comforted Mary will do the same for us today. We need only remember.

*Post by Hilary Barnett*

Teachable moments- they happen every day, but do we truly recognize them, and leverage them for the greatest amount of growth? One definition for a teachable moment is “an experience that provides a context for an individual to receive powerful, transformative content.”

We have all had them at one time or another- sometimes they are inspiring and encouraging, other times embarrassing, depending on the context. I remember at work one evening, while helping to coordinate the winter shelter program for men and women who are homeless, I experienced one myself. A man approached me who wanted to discuss his shelter for the evening, but it was clear that he had been drinking. After what seemed like an eternity of trying to reason with him, my coworker came up and advised me to escort him to the Guest House, where he could receive a hot meal and shelter for the night, without having to go out to a congregation and most likely cause a disturbance.

I learned in that moment that you simply cannot reason with someone who is intoxicated. Ever. But had I never experienced that, and had my coworker not explained it to me after the fact, I would have continued in my frustration throughout the evening, feeling as though I couldn’t help the man with his most basic human need on such a frigid night.

It is in these moments that we learn, whether it is something basic, or something revolutionary that can change our lives. Jesus utilized this model often with his disciples. We tend to always picture Jesus simply “telling” or “preaching”, but if we look more closely, we see that He was very sensitive to the teachable moments that His disciples were experiencing, and He utilized every encounter to create a context for growth.

For example, in Luke 7:36-50, Jesus reveals the importance of forgiveness and it’s relationship to love by asking Simon one powerful question: “A creditor has two debtors. One owed 500 denarii, and the other 50.  Since they could not pay it back, he graciously forgave them both.  So, which of them will love him more?”

He asked Simon. He gave Simon the chance to come to his own understanding before explaining the reason. He provided a teachable moment without immediately “telling”.

How can we, as leaders, embrace the teachable moments that we experience, and allow those whom we lead to experience them well? We must always remember the importance of listening, and asking powerful questions. But most of all, we need to remember that experience alone does nothing, (haven’t we all “gone around a mountain” more than once?) but experience with feedback and reflection, in the context of relationship, can move someone forward into true, sustainable transformation.

*Post by Julie Pierce*

It’s the time of year when facebook is buzzing with expressions of thanks and gratitude journals are flying off the shelves. I love this season because I enjoy another excuse for counting my blessings and sending thank you notes.

But I’ve noticed lately that my blessings list has been pretty one-sided. Not once did I count as a blessing anything I experienced in leadership that was difficult, ugly, or just plain hard. I rarely notice the gifts and joy found in the moments that are far from fun. And yet, these moments are the very ones God has used to refine me and shape me into the woman He wants me to be.

So, I’d like to share with you a bit from my revised blessings list. I’m calling it “the tough stuff in leadership”:

I’m grateful for the gift of carrying one another’s burdens. What an honor and privilege to be the one to listen, care, and pray with someone in their most difficult hour.
I’m grateful for my experiences where I’ve been criticized as a leader, woman, and mom. These reminded me my identity and worth cannot be found in a job, a role, or in the eyes of others, but in Christ alone.
I’m grateful for the projects and decisions that failed miserably. I didn’t just learn from my mistakes, but also realized I couldn’t believe my own press. I had to start extending grace: not just to others, but to myself as well.
I’m grateful for the awareness of devastating issues facing women around the world. Because I know, even just a little, I must choose to live and lead differently.
I’m grateful for the dark nights of my soul. They forced me to stop leading out of my own strength and re-connect with my Creator.

This list is quite different from my first one. It’s really easy for me to thank God for the successes or fun surprises, but being grateful for the tough stuff of leadership takes a little more time, a little more thought. I challenge you to take on this exercise of appreciation and see what pops up on your list of tough stuff – you’ll be glad you did.

*Post by Krystin Behannon*

There is no worse feeling in the world than the feeling of being over-committed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made plans with friends, only to have to cancel because I had forgotten about a prior engagement. As I’ve said before, I’m a people pleaser – so having to back out cuts me at the core. I keep a fairly busy schedule. There are few things I love more than to wake up, look at my calendar, and see everything that I have to do that day. And though I like to be on the go, what I’m starting to feel (and really fight with) is something that truly scares me.

Over the past week, I’ve noticed a very similar theme in my quiet time verses. See if you can pick up on this:

“The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still” Exodus 14:14

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

“Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong.” Job 6:24

Stillness and quiet – two things that I’m not good at. And it’s everywhere. I spent time with one of my mentors last night and she was sharing where she’s been, both physically and spiritually, the past month. As she spoke about this season, I felt that tug at my heart. You know the one…when you know that thing that you’ve been fighting is about to happen and you can’t control it. Getting home and crawling in my bed, the last thing I looked at was my calendar. At that moment, everything just came to the surface.

My job, my coffee dates, my “hang times”, my shopping trips, my aimless driving, my traveling – all are ways to avoid the quiet. The quiet is scary. The quiet is where I fear having to face the reality of who I am, or worse – who I’m not.

But that’s not what the quiet is about. The quiet is where he tells me he loves my childlike faith (Mark 10:15). It’s where he reminds me that I’m beautiful (Song of Solomon 4:7). It’s where he whispers to me that I’m chosen (1 Thessalonians 1:4). The quiet is a place for healing and rest…rest that my busy calendar does not afford. Quiet is the place where I hear the voice of my Father spilling out the hopes and dreams he has for me that I’d never dream up on my own. That stupid calendar has become the noise that is stifling his voice in my life. That can’t happen.

This is my refiner’s fire – a time of solitude, of clearing calendars, of giving him the driver’s seat. I know what’s going to happen. I know it’s going to hurt. But sometimes, the truth hurts. The beauty of the refiner’s fire is we come out better on the other side. I’m ready for everything that only he can give.

*Post by Susie Aboulhosn*

In our last meeting of Cultivate Her for the semester, we had a great conversation about hearing God. We talked about what that looked like and talked about various methods in to hear him. For me, one of the ways that I hear God is through nature. I have to be willing to listen and many times I rush through life failing to listen, failing to hear his voice…In those times, I miss out on what God has to say. However, there are other days where it seems like He is everywhere. In a drive to work… at work…in a conversation…everywhere! Many times I will write the stories down, creating for me a journal of sorts of what He continues to teach me.

So, I thought I would share one of those times with you… I wrote this one in March of 2010. I hope  you enjoy it. I hope you will strive to hear God more. I hope you will take the time to listen…because He is speaking. And He speaks all the time.

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Today was an amazing day…..

I heard Him….okay, no I didn’t hear the audible voice…..but I heard Him.

I went for a hike today….a 2.5 mile hike through the woods…by myself (not sure if it was 100% smart…but I did it anyway)….but it was amazing.

Okay…first off..you have to know I LOVE trees…I love them…I love them with leaves on them…and I love them bare. I love the tall ones…and I love the short ones… I love the one’s that have fallen…and the one’s that are standing tall.

Second…you have to know I get inspiration from anything and everything…but sometimes my words don’t flow from my mouth as they do in my head (and especially not the way they do on paper)….

Third.. I had my camera…and sometimes what I see and what gets transposed into a photo do not always match. I am still working on that….

But back to what I heard and saw….

I was walking along and looking at the trees….trees that are standing bare before mother nature. Trees that have just weathered a winter season…desperately looking for spring. The trees (although barren) lavished in the sunshine…they swayed in the presence of the wind… But it wasn’t all the trees….there were some trees that have been struck down due to mother nature and they were laying on the ground. Some trees had been uprooted….some had branches that have been knocked off….and some had their outer covering torn off to reveal the smoothness underneath (although some also had roughness come through). In all of this, I heard Him…We are like the trees…

We are like the trees…
We all stand before creation….we all have our winter seasons that we must weather….we all desire spring (where there is hope in new beginnings). Even when we are stripped of everything…we still acknowledge the power of the “son”…His grace, His mercy, His love that he pours onto us. And even in those moments…if we listen closely…we can feel the presence of the Spirit…sometimes it’s like a might rushing wind…and sometimes it’s like the brush of a feather across our cheek (evident but almost mysterious). There are some of us who have been struck down with illness..some of us who have been uprooted in our faith because of hurts…some of us who have had pieces of our life taken from us by others…and some of us that have flesh wounds….

We are like the trees…
I heard Him today….and I am grateful that He spoke….I am grateful that He gives me ears to hear. Grateful that He gives me hope….grateful that His smooth’s my rough spots and makes me beautiful….

Be Blessed!!
S.

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I would love for each you to share where you hear God the best. What has He been telling you?

*Post by Natalie Robertson*

Rest is defined as, Relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

When I read that definition it all made sense.  October was the 1st time in 2011 that I took the opportunity to vacation with my husband for a week and camp with my family and friends for a weekend.

A very interesting thing happened during both of these trips.  I got some great ministry ideas.  I did not dread going back to work, in fact I was really very excited. I have found it hard to even ask to take this time to rest, every time my boss says yes, but it’s still difficult for me.  I feel like I should work to death, not because someone else is asking me to but because I love my job so much.

What I have learned in the past month has taught me that taking good rest, away from my email and away from the little tasks I have to get done everyday has actually helped me to dream.  It has given me the freedom I needed to step away from the details and give me the ability to look at the future, to look at the big picture.  Just a few weeks ago I was asked about my goals for the next year of ministry.  I went to one of my bosses and said, I have no ideas and I need help.  I love my job of course but to be honest I just had no time to even think about the future.

As I read this definition of rest I discovered how and why rest is so important.  To dream for the future, to figure out what my goals are I need to be freed up from everything that troubles me.

Some of you are not able to work in your dream job every day like I am, so I understand that this may be difficult to imagine.  But think about what you may be able to dream up, a new career or a new goal, if you were only freed up from what troubles you.  Here are some great Messages from Pete Wilson on what it means to engage in rest.

Cross Point Church Shaped Series
http://bit.ly/rsdz1T
SHAPED: Beyond Surface Level
SHAPED: The Gift Of The Sabbath

Do you take time to rest?
When you do what do you dream up?
How can you be intentional about taking time to rest?