Formula for Assertive Communication
When I was in school, I was kind of a “crammer.” You know…I’d wait until a few days before the test, try to jam everything I might possibly need to know into my brain, ace the test (this might or might not be an exaggeration), and then forget everything?
All this to say..I remember very few facts or formulas that we were taught in school. (Don’t ask me to list the state capitals, Presidents, or chemical elements. All those things went in one ear, hung out for awhile, but then went out the other.)
But there is one formula I remember. And truth be known it has helped me out of a pinch or two.
I took this peer counseling class and they taught us a quick, but very helpful, formula for assertive communication (aka how to get your point across without offending friend and colleagues).
It is really simple:
“When you….I feel….because….”
Here are a few examples:
- When you rush off the phone, I feel disappointed because I had something I was trying to tell you that you didn’t hear.
- When you make jokes about my hair, I feel insecure because I have always worried that I am going to be bald.
- When you jump to conclusions, it makes me crazy, because I feel like you didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. And I deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Simple enough? But seriously this simple formula keeps me in check. It keeps me from reacting passively (aka burying my feelings). It keeps me from from reacting aggressively (aka intimidating people so they don’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings). And it keeps me from reacting passive-aggressively (aka being just plain annoying).
This works for me. What works for you? Do you have any tips for assertive communication?
Very helpful indeed. thanks for sharing!
I need to learn to use that!!! Great post
Such a wise piece of advice. I look forward to trying this technique. I suspect things will turn out better than when I get all sassy and snarky! Thanks!
I LOVE this. WOW! If we all used this formula as leaders as well as in every single relationship with our co-workers, friends, and family, this world would be a different place. Well, that's a bit dramatic – but for sure my life would be better. Thanks for the reminder of the different between being assertive in a mature manner as opposed to being aggressive in an accusatory and defensive manner.
As for facts I learned in elementary school, I can rattle all 50 states in alphabetically order in less than 30 sec. Just saying!
Eve that is too funny!
Eve, you impress me once again.
Lindsey ~ This reminds me of the "communication mat" that Justin and I had to use when we were in college taking a marriage class. There was the listening part of the mat in which you were NOT allowed to speak only listen. Then the other part was the "When You…. I feel" side. When our married (for over 30 yrs) college professors showed us how to first use the mat they got into a REAL fight and she left crying! It was awesome! But when she came back to the room it was the most vulnerable conversation we had ever been a part of on how to effectively make-up. Obviously it has marked me for the better. I'm still growing in recognizing that I am holding someone hostage for how they are making me feel who may not even know they are making me feel that way! Yikes!
So timely and so helpful. And so simple……like most great things.
WOW! I love that last paragraph, Lindsey! You hit all crazy points I ping pong between. The part of the formula that is hard for me is… "When you did" .. because I tend to just say, "Never mind." and brush it underneath. That is really hard to just step out there and.. communicate when I'm feeling upset. Was it easy or hard for you to practice this formula?
Definitely takes some practice. And it is much easier to use with some folks than others. Sometimes I find myself reacting aggressively or passively just because I don't want to get into with "so-and-so."
Wonderful advice, it says it all so wisely. Thank you. As far as the 50 states: I can 'sing' them in 30 seconds in alphabetical order … thanks to my daugh teaching me. : )
I'm with Faith, so many times I just walk away with "never mind" instead of trying to resolve the issue. Of course it does not go away I just have the aggressive discussion with my mind all night..every night along with all the others that I was not able to properly communicate my assertiveness with. Great advice. I am going to try it.
ooooh – i appreciated this reminder. so simple, yet it can be really hard to do in the emotions of the moment. but i need to. because i need to get better at understanding and communicating what i'm actually feeling in the moment and why.