Hello, my name is Krystin and I do lunch for a living. Okay, not really. But, I do go out for lunch or dinner quite a bit. I love this “friend time” where I get to catch up with the people that I care most about. When you’re always on the go, it’s great to have friends who remind you that who you are, not what you do, is what’s most important.  When diving in to conversations lately, the topic of our fears has been coming up quite a bit. Actually, it’s been coming up everywhere.

For me, my deepest fear is that I’m not going to be _____________ enough. You can fill in that blank with whatever you like: pretty, smart, fast – or the worst – good.

As a middle child, if you don’t fight for your time in the spotlight, you won’t get it. As a grown up, this has morphed in to being a people pleaser. “No” is not in my vocabulary. Why? Because everyone loves a “yes man”…someone who will encourage, support, participate, etc, in whatever it is you put in front of them. What I’ve realized is even in my people pleasing nature, I don’t always want to encourage, support or participate. But, by saying yes, people will pick up the phone to call you. Yes means you’ll be a part of X, Y, or Z. Yes means I’m valued, I’m wanted, I’m enough.

One of my dearest friends has a rare gift for music. I’ve been around some crazy talented musicians here in Nashville…this is Music City, USA, afterall…but she is different. It is so apparent that music is her calling in life and it seems almost effortless for her. Back in November, she told me she wanted to move back home to Indiana. She was tired of feeling like her dreams didn’t matter and having to hear people tell her ‘no’ when she put her all in to her songwriting. I didn’t blame her, but I knew that wasn’t an option. It’s so upsetting to watch people you love sit on the sidelines of their own life because of one simple little question that leads us to the scariest of places: “What if?”

I came across this scripture a while back and it’s something that I find myself clinging to when the “what if’s” arise in my heart: “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23-24. If the God of the universe is delighted in every detail of my life, that is enough. I am enough.

That friend I told you about? She decided to stay in Nashville. Just yesterday, a song she wrote went #1 on iTunes and is steadily climbing the charts. When God gives you a dream, chase it with all you have. His plans for you are far bigger and better than you can imagine!

Please welcome Krystin to the Cultivate Her blog team! Krystin is the Office Manager/Assistant to Blake Bergstrom, Campus Pastor at Cross Point Nashville.

In my life and in my leadership, I am always on the go. I think quickly, make decisions swiftly, and move constantly. Even before a project is over, I find myself asking, “what’s next?”

Just as there are several perks to this pace, there are downsides as well. One downside is that I often don’t take the time to really mourn or celebrate. In the past I have moved from one thing to the next so fluidly that when I did finally slow down and pause, my emotions were racing to catch up with me. I found myself asking, “what just happened and why do I feel like this?”

Sometimes we need to celebrate “the end of an era” or bring closure to a significant season or project. Sometimes we need to pause and mourn a loss or shift in relationships due to change. Sometimes we simply need to make note of God’s faithfulness. And all the time, we need to put into place practices that help us remember and share the story again – with ourselves, or those we love.

This could look a variety of ways: maybe you have a special journal for recording significant milestones. If you love music, you could make a playlist of songs that bring to mind the different passages on your journey. Our small group has put into place traditions of reflective questions as a community every New Year. Another idea is to keep a box of notes or memorable treasures. You could also host a special meal to celebrate or bring closure to a season. Whatever it is, it should be easy and yet meaningful to you.

My dear friend Micha helped me with this when a few years ago, she bought me a beautiful charm bracelet and a couple of charms for Christmas.  Since then, every Christmas and birthday Micha has gifted me with a new charm – but not just any charm – a charm that marks and celebrates something significant she has seen in my life. There is a surf board charm to remind me of what God did in our marriages and in our friendship when we tried our hand at surfing in Hawaii and when we had a “come to Jesus” conversation in the middle of the Honolulu airport. This Christmas she gave me a paw print charm that reminds me that “the dog days are over” and I am choosing to live in a new way. And for my birthday this month, she and my husband gave me airplane and butterfly charms to mark my having the courage to take flight and launch something new.  I intentionally wear this bracelet when I need to be reminded of what God has done and what He is going to do.

Take time today to pause and reflect, to mourn and celebrate. Your leadership will have new depth, health and intentionality because of it.

In my work world, August brings a whole other level of exhaustion on Sundays! I have to dominate the church lobby greeting, chatting, talking, encouraging and listening as we prepare for the launch of Fall Community Groups.

I leave exhausted. It zaps the energy out of me.

I struggle with this, because I feel as though this is the type of work day God calls us to.  To start the day with an unnatural level of energy and leave knowing that you just gave every ounce of energy you could muster up.  And then I feel guilty because I’m an extrovert and this interaction should energize me.  But then I realize it’s the harmony that my body, mind and soul are calling me to.  The harmony of rest and work is one that we will spend our whole lives trying to reach.

There will be seasons in my life that are extremely busy, thinking, striving & achieving.  One of the best things for me to do in these seasons of life is to continue to love and live in the moment.  It’s completely draining but it’s also life giving.  When I look back on these seasons of my life all I see is fruit.  Good rich fruit.

The other season of my life I must embrace is rest.  This can be harder for me at times.  I have so many great creative projects I could be doing or I could be drive to KY to see my family when I have a few days off.  The fact is, I must make myself rest and enjoy the renewed energy God is going to pour into me.

Over the summer I dug into a bible study on the life of David.  I was able to meet with women all summer who live this struggle of harmony in their lives.  I think one of the amazing gifts of this group has been to see us rest in the story of David’s life, to learn and grow so much.  Now we are all in our seasons of life that require us to be pouring out so much and we can remember what God has taught us during this time.

Someone once explained it to me this way.  You don’t need balance. If you look at an old school scale you can see that in order to achieve balance you MUST have an equal weight on each side. It’s impossible to have 365 days a year with equal pouring out energy and rest  in a day.

*Harmony is not balance.*

In music, harmonies intensify the beauty of music. In your life, harmony should be music to your ears.  There is nothing better than listening to beautiful harmonies and there is nothing better than achieving beautiful harmony in your life.

Do you have trouble achieving the Harmony of work and rest?
Do you let yourself rest in God?  
When God asks, are you going to be ready to pour out into others?

My husband Brian and I just returned home from visiting our Californian nieces. As the mom of two boys, I love soaking up time with these two feminine phenoms. It’s clear to the whole family that I have a special connection with our youngest niece, Meredith…a competitive connection.  In our 4 days together we challenged unsuspecting suckers to games of checkers, badminton, living-room volleyball, and my personal favorite, basketball.

One morning while Brian and I were teaching Meredith how to execute a pick and roll, (a nearly indefensible basketball skill I believe all seven year-olds should master), I saw her hesitantly give it about 60% of her effort. We demonstrated the steps again and she tried again with the same tentative result.

After several similar tries, Brian coached her to not worry about getting all the steps just right, but to really go for it. She did, and she made the basket. We cheered and her proud smirk lit up the make-shift court.

As I watched my niece acquire this new skill, I saw glimpses of my leadership on display. Those first few times Meredith attempted a pick and roll, she wasn’t really trying. She was trying to get it all just right: she was trying not to fail. Instead of throwing her whole self into it, she held back and over-calculated every move.

Sometimes when I approach a difficult situation, instead of throwing my whole leadership self into the game, I play it safe. I give the situation just enough leadership and direction to make it happen…just enough to follow-through and be considered a good effort. But if I’m really honest, I know the fearful questions that are holding me back a bit: What if this is a colossal failure? What if I put myself out there and nobody likes or wants what I have to offer? What if I blow it and never get another opportunity like this ever, ever again?

I’ve learned in basketball and in leadership, that the only way to truly live is by throwing my whole self in. We can either use our energy tentatively trying not to fail, or give all our effort trying for the best. We can try to control the potential damage through our hesitant efforts or we can trust God to be big enough for the success and the failure. We can focus on what might be avoided or keep our eyes on the prize to be attained.

How will you lead today?

Questions to ponder:
Where are you playing it safe in your leadership?
In what situation do you need to fully commit your whole leadership self, regardless of the outcome?

My friend Betsy has this quirky accent she does. When she answers the phone, whispers something important, or just needs a break in the middle of a conversation, she slips into this funny Spain-by-way-of-Israeli-occupied-Columbia accent. It never fails to make us smirk (or snort, in my case) as we try to retain our composure in a meeting.  Then of course, we each add our own accents to the mix and end up sounding like a really bad United Nations skit.

My friend Chad is an improv comedy guy and has a host of impersonations he can do on command: politicians, celebrities, our friends. It’s quite a talent. I, on the other hand, have only one impression I feel comfortable sharing in public: a Scottish pirate. Now, I don’t know any Scottish pirates, but I’m pretty sure they would be completely offended by this native Texan’s pitiful impersonation of their crew. (In case you’re wondering, I perfected this “accent” while reading aloud hundreds of books during my oldest son’s fixation with all things yelling “Arrr!”)

But if I’m really honest, I’ve been doing impersonations my entire life. Instead of the more lucrative route of Elvis or Cher, I’ve impersonated other leaders. I’ve mimicked their voices, their decisions, their lifestyles. At one point, I didn’t even recognize my own voice anymore…my unique, God-given leadership voice.

I once worked with a charismatic and decisive leader I’ll call Pat. I remember being in a meeting and realizing every time I contributed to the conversation, I was impersonating Pat. I offered recommendations like Pat would recommend. I made decisions like Pat would decide. I gave looks that Pat would look. (Seriously?!)

That’s when it hit me: I was impersonating Pat out of fear.

I knew I would find approval and success if I acted this way, but was scared to death of what the leadership team would do with me. The authentic, unique leader that is me.

Over the course of several months, I decided I was done with my lousy impersonations of Pat and other leaders and ready to rediscover my true leadership voice: my tone, personality, and mannerisms. I started by asking myself (and leaders I trusted) what only I can do, what only I can bring to the conversation, and what is unique about me and my leadership experience.

I started warming up my voice and letting the true Julie come out. (And I even confronted a couple of people who were doing leadership impersonations of me.) I am happy to say my leadership voice is now a familiar one – to me, and to others.  Now I just have to work on my Scottish pirate…

Questions to ponder:
What are the unique characteristics of your leadership voice?
What’s holding you back from making your voice more familiar to you and others?

*Julie Pierce has one big dream: to empower women leaders to change the world. She serves in executive leadership at Irving Bible Church where she has led the ministry to women for over 8 years. She has been married to the love of her life for 14 years and has two superheroes that call her mom. (FB: Julie Hardin Pierce; Twitter: Julie_pierce)*

Stewardship is a subject that I’m deeply passionate about. I believe that when we are given a gift, whether that be financially, professionally or in any other capacity, that we’re given, along with that gift, the responsibility to steward it as best as we can. I think this principle applies to us in our everyday work and ministry.

Early in my career, I was taught that people are the most important element of any business or ministry. I was fortunate to have great leadership around me who continually encouraged me to pour into the relationships that I developed through my work. Many of those relationships have turned into friendships that I still enjoy today. Some of them are colleagues, some of them are business partners, and some of them are just great friends with whom I can banter and discuss various aspects of the day-to-day challenges we all face in whatever stage of life or career we’re in.

Recently, I was reunited with a friend and colleague who I worked very closely with for many years. She and I drifted apart over the years after our work together had seemingly dissipated. That camaraderie and friendship with her was and is something that I’ve really missed over the past several years. Upon reconnecting after so long, she was generous enough to articulate some things to me that really shocked me. The people around me and I had poured into her life in a way that impacted her more than we might have ever known, had this recent reunion not occurred. She was going through a terrible time personally and professionally, and one of my closest colleagues and I, were in many ways, a safe-haven for her while she was struggling with things that we were completely unaware of. Now, years later, our friend has journeyed through a tremendous process of grief, healing, and breaking free from some of the things that could have potentially held her back for the remainder of her life.

I had no idea what an impact we had on this woman. I had no idea that every word that came out of our mouths, and every decision we made and how we made it, really stood out to her. I had no idea that even when we presented her with challenges that might have made our relationship tenuous, she was looking to us for leadership, guidance, friendship, sisterhood and direction. At the time I had no idea of that. I was just doing what I knew to do, and that was to steward relationship. After we had grown apart, I never considered that any fruit had been borne out of that investment, and that was OK – we don’t make those investments for gain – we make them because we’re called to love others; the greatest commandment. After reuniting with her, I realized that the time, energy, prayers, blood, sweat and tears that we poured into her really made an impact.

It makes me wonder who I’m leading now that I’m completely unaware of. Just because I’m practically a decade older, doesn’t mean that I’m any more aware of who might be watching my every move – looking to me to provide hope, comfort, solace, healing or guidance.

My admonition to you is to remember that no matter what position you hold, whether that’s a CEO of a large organization, the president of the PTA club, the mom involved in the little league team, or the person in middle-management at your company, you’re making an impact during every moment of your existence.

MAKE IT COUNT.

“The experience of being understood, versus interpreted, is so compelling, you could charge admission.”

-       B. Joseph Pine II, The Experience Economy

You are having a conversation with someone- your coworker, your spouse, your friend.  You can see their mouth moving, and you are nodding your head. But you are not actually hearing their words. When they finish talking, you quietly think to yourself, “I have no idea what they just said!” Can anyone relate to this experience?

This situation plays out in my life on a daily basis. I have learned over time that I am a very mediocre listener, and I would venture to say that in our hurried and multi-tasking society, many of you feel the same way. In our rush to get to the point, to get to the next meeting, or to share our next groundbreaking thought, we are missing out on true relationship. In the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott, the author hammers home the importance of listening at a high level.  A high level of listening involves a great deal of energy and commitment. It is not a spiritual gift, but a learned and practiced skill.  To be able to truly listen to someone with no agenda, to be present with them in the moment, is difficult.

I used to believe that as a leader, this was not a very important skill. Leaders don’t have to listen- everyone else has to listen to them!  Becoming a leader means the opportunity to have your voice heard, to get a seat at the table. But what I didn’t realize is that as a leader, poor listening can sabotage your relationships.  Listening to someone validates who they are, and without it, individuals will never feel truly valued.

This is not an easy task for someone who is a “D” on the DISC personality test. I don’t like to have long, drawn out conversations. I like people to get to the point, and without the fluff or emotion, please and thank you. I can also be very forthright with my opinion, because I’m sure the other person could really use my advice on the topic. As I have been practicing listening at a high level recently, I have found that it is not only difficult, but it challenges my values and priorities. I sometimes have to be able to let go of my plans, my schedule, and my agenda to truly hear someone. Of course, there is a fine line when you are leading at a high level, and boundaries are important. But for the moments that we have with people, in meetings, in quick conversations, and in friendly discussions, it is important that we listen with intention.

Susan Scott quotes the author Peter Senge in Fierce Conversations:

“Among the tribes of northern Natal in South Africa, the most common greeting, equivalent to “hello” in English, is the expression: “sawu bona.” It literally means, “I see you.”  If you are a member of the tribe, you might reply by saying “sikhona” or “I am here.” The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist.  It’s as if, when you see me, you bring me into existence.”

What are ways that you can improve your listening, and “see” someone today?

Back when my husband and I were dating, we instituted a monthly, 24-hour break from one another in which we had no contact whatsoever. No calls, no e-mails, no texts, no Facebook. It was like a temporary fast from each other, during which time we could reflect on our relationship and our spiritual health.

We began this practice based on experience from the past. We both knew how easily the relationship could become an idol if we weren’t careful. Slowly but surely, my previous boyfriends had consistently crept in and assumed the throne in my heart, stealing the rightful place of Christ. This was no fault of their own, of course. I had eagerly given my allegiance to them! When you’re in love, it’s easy to find your identity in your relationship rather than God.

But this time around we didn’t want to make the same mistake. We decided to take a break each month to meditate on Christ and our devotion to him. We evaluated our relationship and prayed about whether it was honoring to God. And for us, this plan was a tremendous source of accountability and re-centering.

When I talk to young couples about their dating relationships I sometimes share that story with them. Every relationship is different so my experience is by no means the rule, but fasting and praying are both Scriptural and powerful. They are great tools for re-calibrating our hearts and refocusing our vision when ungodly motives threaten to move in.

What is surprising, however, is that as intentional as I was in my dating relationship, I have been significantly LESS intentional about my ministry. That is to say, I haven’t felt the same need to step back and occasionally check my heart for misplaced motives. Ministry, by its very nature, would seem immune to the pitfalls of dating, so I always assumed that my motives were generally God-directed.

That is, until March of this year. One day while I was praying about my faith and my writing ministry, I felt challenged to give up blogging for Lent. That would mean a 40-day period without updating my blog, a frightening thought for a writer. Until that day, I had updated my blog several times a week for the last 4 years. I had been so diligent about my writing that I even enlisted guest bloggers to post during my honeymoon.

For the last four years I had been entirely committed to my writing ministry. But at what cost? And for what reason? Those were the questions I found myself asking this past March, which is why I decided to follow the Spirit’s leading and give up blogging for forty days.

Just before I signed off, I wrote the following reflections about my ministry fast:

I need to spend time examining my heart and remembering why I started writing in the first place. I need to prune out my false motives and purify them. And most of all, I need to surrender myself to God’s love and grace so that my heart is captured by Him in a way that breathes life into my writing and directs me toward His glory, not my own.

For some of you it may be difficult to understand how tough a decision this was for me. But there is still a part of me that feels stupid for doing it. Whenever I think about the passage of 40 days without a single update on here, all I can see is my blog traffic plummeting. It hurts me to think about it. But the fact that it hurts shows me just how necessary this break is. My heart isn’t breaking for the ministry opportunities lost, but for the loss of readership I worked so hard to build. It’s me I’m hurting for.

So I took the plunge and I didn’t write for forty days. The first day or two were tough, but it quickly became clear that I needed the break. I needed to get out of my performance mode and be still with God. And it couldn’t have been a better decision, not because my writing suddenly improved afterwards but because it provided me the space to remember my First Love. I wasn’t studying the Bible and spending time in prayer for anyone but me. That sabbatical was just the thing I needed to recalibrate my heart and fall in love with Jesus again.

Not everyone has the luxury of stepping away from ministry for such an extended length of time, but this experience convinced me of the importance of checking my motives regularly. In a world where social media puts our lives on constant display, the line between genuine service to God and performance for others becomes blurry. Each one of us therefore needs safeguards to steer clear of that line, whether that means an occasional break from Twitter and blogging, or simply observing the Sabbath each week.

However you choose to step back and recalibrate your ministry and relationships, the important thing is that you do. John Calvin once said that our hearts are idol factories, and I titled my sign-off post after that quote. Like a piano that gradually drifts off pitch if it is not consistently re-tuned, our hearts will inevitably drift out of harmony with God. An occasional re-tuning is a wonderful antidote for our idolatrous hearts.

Yesterday I was fortunate to catch up with an old friend who serves as a pastor at my last church. He is thinking about creating a women’s ministry for the ladies in his congregation and he wanted to pick my brain about the process. I was SO excited to hear how the Holy Spirit is working in and through the women there–I really do love women’s ministry and it is especially encouraging when my brothers in Christ catch a vision for it too. However, in the course of our conversation I realized that he has been running up against an obstacle that is very common in evangelical churches today:

The first woman problem.

At churches across the country there is a tremendous desire for strong, female teachers from whom the women of the church can learn and be challenged to grow. While Christian women want to hear from women who can encourage them with the wisdom that is born out of life experience, there is also a desire (particularly in younger generations) to study the deeper theological truths of the faith. And while it’s usually not too difficult to find women who would teach in the former category, very few would volunteer to teach the latter.

When it comes to teaching Scripture in a way that is intellectually challenging, most Christian women don’t feel up to the job. And yet the popular demand for it persists.

That is the problem of the first woman. Churches will not have solid, female teachers if there is no system in place to train them and nurture them. Unfortunately there are few pre-existing female leaders to remedy that problem, and male pastors are often hesitant to mentor women. What results is a Catch-22 in which the church needs female teachers but has no female teachers to train them.

Given this predicament, there will have to be a “first woman” in every church who sets aside her insecurities and fears about inadequacy and blazes a trail for the women behind her. This will not only require courage, but it will also require initiative. Fortunately, we’re not starting from scratch. For those women who possess a seminary education, you are ahead of the game! God has provided you with the knowledge and the training to equip your sisters in Christ, so don’t be afraid to use it. Ask God how He intends to use your education for the edification of the Body, and then respond in obedience.

For the remaining 99% of Christian women who have not attended seminary or Bible college, don’t rule yourself out. Remember women like Anne Graham Lotz, daughter of evangelist Billy Graham, who never went to seminary but grew deep in the Word through her own personal study. Not everyone with the gift of teaching attends seminary, but God nevertheless calls you to exercise your gift in faith. If you suspect that teaching is a gift God has granted you, I challenge you to use it to serve God and His Church!

And for those of you who do not have the gift of teaching, or you do not feel called to women’s ministry, I would encourage you to affirm the women in your life who do. It is tough being the “first woman.” It can be lonely and the footing often feels unsure. Fears and temptations abound. Which is why these women need affirmation, prayer, and truth. Encourage them and reflect back to them the gifts that you see.

Before I close, I thought I would leave you with a few helpful websites that are great resources to female leaders and teachers. Although not all of these sites are explicitly leadership-oriented, many of them are theologically challenging and/or thought-provoking.

Of course, Cultivate Her is always a great place to start! And many of you discovered that you have the spiritual gift of “Knowledge” and “Teacher” through your Spiritual Gifts Inventories.

-Practical Theology for Women-
Wendy Alsup wrote a book by the same name, and while she is the kind of women you can relate to she also writes in a way that pushes women to go to the next level. I really love the way she thinks and the way that she is not afraid to say difficult things.

-Her.meneutics–
This blog is a part of Christianity Today and the content is consistently excellent. The word “hermeneutics” means “interpretation,” and each post offers a Christian woman’s interpretation of varying cultural topics. It is a great example of how to engage relevant topics from Biblical perspective, a skill that EVERY woman needs to have in this day and age.

-Gifted for Leadership–
The blog also belongs to Christianity Today but it specifically addresses questions surrounding women and leadership.

-Leading and Loving It–
This is a very special site in that its resources for women are unique. It specifically targets pastor’s wives and women in ministry, offering encouraging blog posts, online e-conferences featuring influential Christian women, retreats, and virtual online communities. The virtual groups are especially neat because they connect women to one another from all over the country. It’s like having a small group in which every member is from a different city!

When it comes to women and leadership, God is definitely on the move. In the coming years we are sure to see more books written by women on the topic of theology, and there will be an increasing number of outlets for women who have leadership and teaching gifts and want to hone them. We are in a period of transition right now, which can often feel clumsy and difficult, but we also have great reason to rejoice in what is to come!

There is a common phrase I’ve heard many chefs use:

“You never cut yourself on the sharpest knife in the kitchen, its always the dullest knife.”

We take more time, more effort and more prayer in preparing for the 1st night of a new bible study then we ever do the other 5 weeks into the semester.

When our church launches a new campus we always spend more time planning the first service than we do the one 3 years later.

When we have the first conversation with a guy or girl of the opposite sex we always listen more carefully.

Those aren’t the times we feel like we’ve failed are they?

It’s always when we grow complacent, when we feel like we know what we are doing, when we think we have all the knowledge and wisdom we need.

This happened to me last week when I led the Cross Point DR Mission trip team.

Last year I led this same group. I thought this year would be even easier.  I realize now that because I didn’t give it the time, prayer and devotion I needed to, my own desires got in the way of my leadership.

I was constantly caught off guard.  I underestimated my ability to “handle” a situation on my own.

With each passing day of the trip I found myself confused and desperate for answers.

My usual fix for this is to get more controlling and more focused on my plan.
I praise God that I had and continue to have people around me to remind me of God’s grace and guidance.

Instead of relying on past experiences I need to focus on His leading through ALL the opportunities I get to lead.

I also learned that when I find myself desperate for answers that He will provide. I have to resist the temptation to fix the situation on my own.

Have you found yourself failing because you’ve done the same thing before?

How do you refocus each week?

What is a good way to not grow complacent with repeated activity?