Hello, my name is Krystin and I do lunch for a living. Okay, not really. But, I do go out for lunch or dinner quite a bit. I love this “friend time” where I get to catch up with the people that I care most about. When you’re always on the go, it’s great to have friends who remind you that who you are, not what you do, is what’s most important.  When diving in to conversations lately, the topic of our fears has been coming up quite a bit. Actually, it’s been coming up everywhere.

For me, my deepest fear is that I’m not going to be _____________ enough. You can fill in that blank with whatever you like: pretty, smart, fast – or the worst – good.

As a middle child, if you don’t fight for your time in the spotlight, you won’t get it. As a grown up, this has morphed in to being a people pleaser. “No” is not in my vocabulary. Why? Because everyone loves a “yes man”…someone who will encourage, support, participate, etc, in whatever it is you put in front of them. What I’ve realized is even in my people pleasing nature, I don’t always want to encourage, support or participate. But, by saying yes, people will pick up the phone to call you. Yes means you’ll be a part of X, Y, or Z. Yes means I’m valued, I’m wanted, I’m enough.

One of my dearest friends has a rare gift for music. I’ve been around some crazy talented musicians here in Nashville…this is Music City, USA, afterall…but she is different. It is so apparent that music is her calling in life and it seems almost effortless for her. Back in November, she told me she wanted to move back home to Indiana. She was tired of feeling like her dreams didn’t matter and having to hear people tell her ‘no’ when she put her all in to her songwriting. I didn’t blame her, but I knew that wasn’t an option. It’s so upsetting to watch people you love sit on the sidelines of their own life because of one simple little question that leads us to the scariest of places: “What if?”

I came across this scripture a while back and it’s something that I find myself clinging to when the “what if’s” arise in my heart: “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23-24. If the God of the universe is delighted in every detail of my life, that is enough. I am enough.

That friend I told you about? She decided to stay in Nashville. Just yesterday, a song she wrote went #1 on iTunes and is steadily climbing the charts. When God gives you a dream, chase it with all you have. His plans for you are far bigger and better than you can imagine!

Please welcome Krystin to the Cultivate Her blog team! Krystin is the Office Manager/Assistant to Blake Bergstrom, Campus Pastor at Cross Point Nashville.

Did you know that Peter was married?

I’m sure I learned this fun fact at some point in the past, but I had forgotten about it until my pastor mentioned it in a sermon. Peter’s wife doesn’t enjoy much attention because she doesn’t appear directly in Scripture. In fact, the only biblical reference to Peter’s marital status comes from Matthew 8:14–

When Jesus came into Peter’s house, he saw Peter’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a fever.

Jesus healed Peter’s mother-in-law, by the way, and it is probably because of miracles like this one that Peter’s wife became quite the committed disciple herself. We know this from an account written by Eusebius, a Roman historian born in the late 4th century who documented the growth of the early church.

According to Eusebius, Peter’s wife was martyred the same day that Peter was famously crucified upside down. In fact, Peter’s wife was executed first. What follows is the account of that day:

“They say, accordingly, that when the blessed Peter saw his own wife led out to die, he rejoiced because of her summons and her return home, and called to her very encouragingly and comfortingly, addressing her by name, and saying, ‘Oh thou, remember the Lord.’ Such was the marriage of the blessed, and their perfect disposition toward those dearest to them.”

Simply breath-taking.

As stunning as this story is, Peter’s wife was not the only woman to die a violent death for her faith. Several years ago I wrote about the story of Perpetua, a young Christian woman in the early church who refused to recant her faith, despite the pleas of her family. She then gave birth in prison before walking proudly to a gruesome end.

The women of the early church were lionesses. I have no doubt they were afraid, but they were able to face death with such courage and resolve because their eyes were fixed on their Father above, not the challenge before them.

That is an example I find both terribly inspiring as well as humbling. I am humbled into questioning my own commitment to Christ were I to be so tested. Yet I am also humbled by the comparatively low expectations we hold for women today. Perpetua and Peter’s wife appear so firm and unflinching, whereas Christian women in America appear so fragile. Much of women’s ministry is devoted to lifting women out of suffering, whereas Perpetua and Peter’s wife walked straight into it.

Granted, there are different types of suffering and God does not call us to pain for pain’s sake. Scripture contains both words of comfort and calls to take up one’s cross and die. While suffering is a guarantee, there are certainly times when healing and protection are powerful marks of the Kingdom of God in our lives.

But perhaps we have wandered off the path that leads a recovered soldier back into battle. This wouldn’t be surprising given the degree to which women are treated like porcelain dolls, damsels in distress to be rescued by their princes. Husbands are protectors and women are, too often, the wounded in need of saving.

Where, in all of this, is the kind of marriage we see between Peter and his wife? What does it mean for a husband to send his wife valiantly to execution while declaring, “Remember the Lord!” Protector, he was not. Proud co-laborer for Christ, he was.

Consider also the example of Perpetua, a mother who would rather die than recant her faith and protect her child. Do we even have language for that understanding of motherhood and family?

The stories of women like Perpetua and Peter’s wife challenge us to question how much of our beliefs and practices are actually Biblical, or merely a reinforcing of our own romantic ideals. Are we using God to deliver us from suffering and give us the life we want, or are we depending on God to run the race hard and fight the good fight? At the heart of all these questions lies a core question about priorities: What is your life ultimately about? You serving God, or God serving you?

When I read about Perpetua and Peter’s wife, I become convinced that we expect too little of Christian women today. Women are stronger than we give them credit for, and I make that statement not on the basis of natural human power but on the God we serve. Women belong to a God who possesses an infinite supply of courage and might, and on that basis we are a force to be reckoned with. I think it’s time to raise the bar.

In my life and in my leadership, I am always on the go. I think quickly, make decisions swiftly, and move constantly. Even before a project is over, I find myself asking, “what’s next?”

Just as there are several perks to this pace, there are downsides as well. One downside is that I often don’t take the time to really mourn or celebrate. In the past I have moved from one thing to the next so fluidly that when I did finally slow down and pause, my emotions were racing to catch up with me. I found myself asking, “what just happened and why do I feel like this?”

Sometimes we need to celebrate “the end of an era” or bring closure to a significant season or project. Sometimes we need to pause and mourn a loss or shift in relationships due to change. Sometimes we simply need to make note of God’s faithfulness. And all the time, we need to put into place practices that help us remember and share the story again – with ourselves, or those we love.

This could look a variety of ways: maybe you have a special journal for recording significant milestones. If you love music, you could make a playlist of songs that bring to mind the different passages on your journey. Our small group has put into place traditions of reflective questions as a community every New Year. Another idea is to keep a box of notes or memorable treasures. You could also host a special meal to celebrate or bring closure to a season. Whatever it is, it should be easy and yet meaningful to you.

My dear friend Micha helped me with this when a few years ago, she bought me a beautiful charm bracelet and a couple of charms for Christmas.  Since then, every Christmas and birthday Micha has gifted me with a new charm – but not just any charm – a charm that marks and celebrates something significant she has seen in my life. There is a surf board charm to remind me of what God did in our marriages and in our friendship when we tried our hand at surfing in Hawaii and when we had a “come to Jesus” conversation in the middle of the Honolulu airport. This Christmas she gave me a paw print charm that reminds me that “the dog days are over” and I am choosing to live in a new way. And for my birthday this month, she and my husband gave me airplane and butterfly charms to mark my having the courage to take flight and launch something new.  I intentionally wear this bracelet when I need to be reminded of what God has done and what He is going to do.

Take time today to pause and reflect, to mourn and celebrate. Your leadership will have new depth, health and intentionality because of it.

This week I attended Willow Creek’s annual Global Leadership Summit, and I was nearly undone by the experience. Every speaker was incredible in his or her own right, but there was one that stood out to me. Her very presence had such a profound impact on me that I doubt I will ever forget it.

Her name is Maggie Gobran or “Mama Maggie,” and she serves with the poor in Egypt. Born into a family of relative privilege, Mama Maggie spent her early years living the life of a normal Egyptian girl. As she got older she taught at one of the top schools in the country, and spent her money on clothes, jewelry, and comfort.

Then one day she discerned a different call. Following the example of her aunt and the prompting of the Holy Spirit, she decided to sell her belongings and devote her life to the poor. She has spent the last 20 years devoted to this end, and has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times.

Throughout the Summit I heard incredible advice from some of the top leaders in the country, both inside and outside the church. Every session was packed with wisdom and insight. What distinguished Mama Maggie from the group, however, was her mere presence. This tiny, wisp of a woman was the only speaker who shook the room by simply stepping onto stage. As we applauded her, she wept in humility, and I couldn’t help but weep also.

Mama Maggie shared numerous profound and important truths, but what impacted me the most was the power of her incarnational leadership. She is one of those rare individuals who is so intimately connected to God that you can literally feel it. She spoke with power and authority, not because she was an excellent communicator, but because her life and ministry gave weight to her words. Her person was her message.

As a writer, teacher and leader, Mama Maggie’s example was a wake-up call. It challenged me to consider the source of my authority, and whether I preach the gospel in a manner similar to Christ. It is easy to assume that my education or my talent is the source of my authority, but Mama Maggie reminded me of a different approach to leadership—Christ’s.

Although Jesus certainly preached boldly, his words were grounded in the context of his life. He was the one who “did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped” (Phil. 2:6) but instead lowered himself to come and be among us. He touched the untouchable and welcomed the outcasts. His hospitality, his advocacy for the poor, and his miraculous healings all communicated his purpose on earth before he ever opened his lips.

The Incarnation of Christ reminds us that presence matters. How we live our lives when we aren’t teaching or giving counsel matters. The Christian witness is inextricably tied to physical engagement in the lives of others. That is part of our message and the power of our message.

But incarnational leadership is about even more than presence. It is about the kind of presence we bring. What struck me about Mama Maggie is that I immediately sensed, “This is a woman who has seen the face of God.” Her connection to Christ was palpable to me, and when you encounter an individual with that kind of divine connection, you will listen to almost anything she says.

This last aspect of incarnational leadership is the most powerful but it is also impossible to fake. It arises out of a genuinely intimate relationship with God. That is why Mama Maggie’s example was both humbling and inspiring to me. I was humbled because I don’t know Jesus the way she knows Jesus. I don’t embody the presence of God the way that she does, and I am sad that I don’t. I was inspired, however, because I don’t have to take a seminary class or read a book about leadership to be like her. I need only love Jesus with abandon, and that simple act will help me to influence the world the way that Christ did.

In my work world, August brings a whole other level of exhaustion on Sundays! I have to dominate the church lobby greeting, chatting, talking, encouraging and listening as we prepare for the launch of Fall Community Groups.

I leave exhausted. It zaps the energy out of me.

I struggle with this, because I feel as though this is the type of work day God calls us to.  To start the day with an unnatural level of energy and leave knowing that you just gave every ounce of energy you could muster up.  And then I feel guilty because I’m an extrovert and this interaction should energize me.  But then I realize it’s the harmony that my body, mind and soul are calling me to.  The harmony of rest and work is one that we will spend our whole lives trying to reach.

There will be seasons in my life that are extremely busy, thinking, striving & achieving.  One of the best things for me to do in these seasons of life is to continue to love and live in the moment.  It’s completely draining but it’s also life giving.  When I look back on these seasons of my life all I see is fruit.  Good rich fruit.

The other season of my life I must embrace is rest.  This can be harder for me at times.  I have so many great creative projects I could be doing or I could be drive to KY to see my family when I have a few days off.  The fact is, I must make myself rest and enjoy the renewed energy God is going to pour into me.

Over the summer I dug into a bible study on the life of David.  I was able to meet with women all summer who live this struggle of harmony in their lives.  I think one of the amazing gifts of this group has been to see us rest in the story of David’s life, to learn and grow so much.  Now we are all in our seasons of life that require us to be pouring out so much and we can remember what God has taught us during this time.

Someone once explained it to me this way.  You don’t need balance. If you look at an old school scale you can see that in order to achieve balance you MUST have an equal weight on each side. It’s impossible to have 365 days a year with equal pouring out energy and rest  in a day.

*Harmony is not balance.*

In music, harmonies intensify the beauty of music. In your life, harmony should be music to your ears.  There is nothing better than listening to beautiful harmonies and there is nothing better than achieving beautiful harmony in your life.

Do you have trouble achieving the Harmony of work and rest?
Do you let yourself rest in God?  
When God asks, are you going to be ready to pour out into others?

1 Corinthians 10:14 So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can. 

If you notice people fleeing from you on a consistent basis, you might have a control problem.

We all demand control. Some of us are out of control. But we rarely give up control. We put limitations on how God can provide for us and what He can do with our resources.

At times we live as if we know better than God AND those we do life with. We go crazy when someone performs a task different than us. For example, when I load the dishwasher, I rinse off all of the dishes before I load them. My husband throws them in, just the way they are. Drives me nuts! His reply, “Why do we have a dishwasher if we have to wash the dishes before we load them?” Drives him nuts!

Yesterday at Cross Point we featured an Audrey Assad song, “Everything is Yours.” The chorus simply says,

“If everything is Yours, I’m letting it go. It was never mine to hold.”

“If” is a beautiful word to include with this truth. It reminds me that sometimes I will doubt that everything is His.

However small or big “it” is, we have to daily open our hands and remember:

It was never ours to hold.

So,

LET IT GO.

My husband Brian and I just returned home from visiting our Californian nieces. As the mom of two boys, I love soaking up time with these two feminine phenoms. It’s clear to the whole family that I have a special connection with our youngest niece, Meredith…a competitive connection.  In our 4 days together we challenged unsuspecting suckers to games of checkers, badminton, living-room volleyball, and my personal favorite, basketball.

One morning while Brian and I were teaching Meredith how to execute a pick and roll, (a nearly indefensible basketball skill I believe all seven year-olds should master), I saw her hesitantly give it about 60% of her effort. We demonstrated the steps again and she tried again with the same tentative result.

After several similar tries, Brian coached her to not worry about getting all the steps just right, but to really go for it. She did, and she made the basket. We cheered and her proud smirk lit up the make-shift court.

As I watched my niece acquire this new skill, I saw glimpses of my leadership on display. Those first few times Meredith attempted a pick and roll, she wasn’t really trying. She was trying to get it all just right: she was trying not to fail. Instead of throwing her whole self into it, she held back and over-calculated every move.

Sometimes when I approach a difficult situation, instead of throwing my whole leadership self into the game, I play it safe. I give the situation just enough leadership and direction to make it happen…just enough to follow-through and be considered a good effort. But if I’m really honest, I know the fearful questions that are holding me back a bit: What if this is a colossal failure? What if I put myself out there and nobody likes or wants what I have to offer? What if I blow it and never get another opportunity like this ever, ever again?

I’ve learned in basketball and in leadership, that the only way to truly live is by throwing my whole self in. We can either use our energy tentatively trying not to fail, or give all our effort trying for the best. We can try to control the potential damage through our hesitant efforts or we can trust God to be big enough for the success and the failure. We can focus on what might be avoided or keep our eyes on the prize to be attained.

How will you lead today?

Questions to ponder:
Where are you playing it safe in your leadership?
In what situation do you need to fully commit your whole leadership self, regardless of the outcome?

Intimacy…what a powerful word. It can conjure up positive or negative emotions based on our life experience. Lately, I have been contemplating what that word really means when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

It’s often hard for me to truly understand what real intimacy with Christ looks like. There are days that I feel very far away from Him, and “intimate” would not be the word to describe our relationship. “Strained” would be more like it.

I think one way that helps me to understand intimacy with Christ is my relationship with my husband. I am blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, to whom I have been married for nine years. We have had our share of ups and downs, but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t long to be close to him, or to look in his eyes and hear him speak to me (feel free to commence the throwing up now). Over the years, he has proven to me by his actions that he is trustworthy, honorable, forgiving, and truly cares about my well-being. I have never felt obligated to be close to my husband- it has always been the desire of my heart, even when we were in conflict.  Deep down, I feel that I need him in my life.

Intimacy with God can work the same way. It is never something we do out of obligation, but a deep desire and need that we know we cannot fulfill elsewhere. We must understand God’s character to be able to trust him- there is no intimacy without complete trust. We cannot trust God’s character just by having “head knowledge”- we have to know it in our hearts. We have to experience it, and acknowledge his love and grace in our lives. We must know that He is ultimately good, and loves us completely. Without this, we will not long to be close to Him.

As I continue to work on my relationship with Christ, I pray that He will place in me, and all of us, a deeper desire to just be with Him. To sit in His presence, gaze upon Him in worship for all that He is and all that He has done, and tune our ears to His voice.  Only good things can come from this.

I admit it a few months ago I was totally wrapped up in the Royal wedding.  I wanted to see everything and hear everyone’s comments.  I did research on what it meant to be the heir to the British throne.  It was very interesting, and I was totally fascinated by it all. But recently I started to discover what David’s journey as heir to the throne looked like in 1st and 2nd Samuel.  I would love for you to go ahead and open your Bible to catch up on the last 6 weeks of study I have been doing, but since I know that’s probably not going to happen I’ll make it real simple for you.

-David was a teenager when he found out he would be the next King
-He wasn’t an heir to the thrown (he didn’t have royal blood)
-After he was told he would be the next king, he went back to being a shepherd
-The current king (Saul) did everything in his power to kill David (for many years)
-He finally became king when he was 30

That doesn’t exactly sound like the lavish wedding, Polo matches, trips to America and Rescue training our beloved Prince William has to endure.

As I have studied all of this I really think the thing that strikes me at the core is that David just spent years of his formative life escaping death and herding some sheep. He followed God more closely than any leader of his time.  He wasn’t at odds with God, he was completely in God’s favor.  And yet he had to wait. Not just a few weeks or a few months but over 10 years.  How in the world do you do that?

Here is my bigger question, how in the world did Jesus do it?

Age 30.  He knew who he was and what he was sent here to do, yet he waited.  Maybe you are years away from 30 or you hit that birthday years ago and yet you are not in that sweet spot quit yet.

Maybe you feel like you were called to be a mom full time and you can’t seem to find the man of your dreams.  Or maybe you found him but getting pregnant has not been as easy as it was for your friends.  It could be that you have been fighting it out in the trenches at work and you haven’t gotten the job promotion you wanted.

Being patient for God’s timing is hard, it’s especially hard for leaders.  A lot of times I feel like I have fallen out of favor with God because I’m still hanging out in the field.  There I am just looking out for some sheep.  I had always dreamed those sheep would be people. Throughout my study of David, the Psalms have been extremely helpful to me. We get a close look into david’s journal through the psalms.  He goes through various emotions and we really get to see what it looks like for David as he deals with the days in the fields.

Have you had the same dream? How do you deal with that on a regular basis?

Right now a friend of mine is reading a book titled The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Drew Pinksky, and it sounds fascinating to me. The book examines the narcissistic behaviors of modern day celebrities, and the ways in which “the rest of us, especially young people, are mirroring these dangerous traits in our own behavior.” (From the publisher’s description)

One night over dinner, my friend shared something from the book that I found personally convicting. The author describes a common phenomenon in which the people in your life function as little more than a mirror of yourself. When you look at your friends or family you don’t truly see them, but only a reflection of how they see you. As a result, the way in which others treat you or speak about you informs your self-understanding and self-image.

Pinsky then drew a clever connection between the mirror effect and the concept of “object permanence.” “Object permanence” refers to our mental comprehension that an object continues to exist even when it moves out of sight. Babies are not born with this awareness and must learn to acquire it. That’s what makes peek-a-boo so fun for them! Adults, on the other hand, have no trouble grasping this idea.

Or do we?

Object permanence is a part of our every day lives. We aren’t wracked with anxiety every time a close friend or loved one goes into another room because we know they are still alive and well. However, many adults do struggle with the notion of “image permanence.” A person without the capacity for image permanence is dependent on constant affirmation in order to maintain a positive self-image. The moment that affirmation is gone, their positive self-image goes with it. Without the capacity for image permanence, one has no ability to sustain healthy self-image apart from the praise of others.

In this way, the mirror effect undermines the capacity for image permanence. For those whose self-image is dependent upon the mirror of the world, their confidence will be in jeopardy every time the reflection is an unfavorable one.

I have to admit, these words are rather timely for me. As a writer, readers don’t pull any punches when they disagree with something I publish. Once it’s out there, it’s fair game! Anyone who has ever held a position of leadership or influence has probably experienced the same harsh criticism. Even in the church, people can be incredibly mean-hearted and tactless in their complaints. In the midst of such criticism, I often find myself oscillating between one extreme of feeling hurt and insecure, or the other extreme of anger–neither of which is productive or edifying.

Amidst the back and forth between despair and rage, Pinksy’s book offers a great perspective. If I constantly look to others, even good Christian people, as the source of my confidence or as a mirror of my self-image, I will forever stand on a shifting foundation. Fortunately as a Christian, I can look to God’s Word as my ultimate mirror. Not only does Scripture reflect back to me God’s unshakeable love, but it also foists my eyes off of myself. When I look to the truth of God’s teachings, I am told who I am and also reminded (blessedly!) that this world is not about me.

In so many ways my heart looks just like the celebutantes Pinksy described. I project my narcissism onto the world around me and consequently live as if I am the center of everyone’s attention. The gospel of Christ is such a wonderful deliverance from that narrow vision! When I remember the unchanging identity I have in Christ I am liberated from the chokehold of the mirror effect and free to pursue a life much grander and more peaceful than my own self-promotion.