Right now a friend of mine is reading a book titled The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism is Seducing America by Drew Pinksky, and it sounds fascinating to me. The book examines the narcissistic behaviors of modern day celebrities, and the ways in which “the rest of us, especially young people, are mirroring these dangerous traits in our own behavior.” (From the publisher’s description)

One night over dinner, my friend shared something from the book that I found personally convicting. The author describes a common phenomenon in which the people in your life function as little more than a mirror of yourself. When you look at your friends or family you don’t truly see them, but only a reflection of how they see you. As a result, the way in which others treat you or speak about you informs your self-understanding and self-image.

Pinsky then drew a clever connection between the mirror effect and the concept of “object permanence.” “Object permanence” refers to our mental comprehension that an object continues to exist even when it moves out of sight. Babies are not born with this awareness and must learn to acquire it. That’s what makes peek-a-boo so fun for them! Adults, on the other hand, have no trouble grasping this idea.

Or do we?

Object permanence is a part of our every day lives. We aren’t wracked with anxiety every time a close friend or loved one goes into another room because we know they are still alive and well. However, many adults do struggle with the notion of “image permanence.” A person without the capacity for image permanence is dependent on constant affirmation in order to maintain a positive self-image. The moment that affirmation is gone, their positive self-image goes with it. Without the capacity for image permanence, one has no ability to sustain healthy self-image apart from the praise of others.

In this way, the mirror effect undermines the capacity for image permanence. For those whose self-image is dependent upon the mirror of the world, their confidence will be in jeopardy every time the reflection is an unfavorable one.

I have to admit, these words are rather timely for me. As a writer, readers don’t pull any punches when they disagree with something I publish. Once it’s out there, it’s fair game! Anyone who has ever held a position of leadership or influence has probably experienced the same harsh criticism. Even in the church, people can be incredibly mean-hearted and tactless in their complaints. In the midst of such criticism, I often find myself oscillating between one extreme of feeling hurt and insecure, or the other extreme of anger–neither of which is productive or edifying.

Amidst the back and forth between despair and rage, Pinksy’s book offers a great perspective. If I constantly look to others, even good Christian people, as the source of my confidence or as a mirror of my self-image, I will forever stand on a shifting foundation. Fortunately as a Christian, I can look to God’s Word as my ultimate mirror. Not only does Scripture reflect back to me God’s unshakeable love, but it also foists my eyes off of myself. When I look to the truth of God’s teachings, I am told who I am and also reminded (blessedly!) that this world is not about me.

In so many ways my heart looks just like the celebutantes Pinksy described. I project my narcissism onto the world around me and consequently live as if I am the center of everyone’s attention. The gospel of Christ is such a wonderful deliverance from that narrow vision! When I remember the unchanging identity I have in Christ I am liberated from the chokehold of the mirror effect and free to pursue a life much grander and more peaceful than my own self-promotion.

Back when my husband and I were dating, we instituted a monthly, 24-hour break from one another in which we had no contact whatsoever. No calls, no e-mails, no texts, no Facebook. It was like a temporary fast from each other, during which time we could reflect on our relationship and our spiritual health.

We began this practice based on experience from the past. We both knew how easily the relationship could become an idol if we weren’t careful. Slowly but surely, my previous boyfriends had consistently crept in and assumed the throne in my heart, stealing the rightful place of Christ. This was no fault of their own, of course. I had eagerly given my allegiance to them! When you’re in love, it’s easy to find your identity in your relationship rather than God.

But this time around we didn’t want to make the same mistake. We decided to take a break each month to meditate on Christ and our devotion to him. We evaluated our relationship and prayed about whether it was honoring to God. And for us, this plan was a tremendous source of accountability and re-centering.

When I talk to young couples about their dating relationships I sometimes share that story with them. Every relationship is different so my experience is by no means the rule, but fasting and praying are both Scriptural and powerful. They are great tools for re-calibrating our hearts and refocusing our vision when ungodly motives threaten to move in.

What is surprising, however, is that as intentional as I was in my dating relationship, I have been significantly LESS intentional about my ministry. That is to say, I haven’t felt the same need to step back and occasionally check my heart for misplaced motives. Ministry, by its very nature, would seem immune to the pitfalls of dating, so I always assumed that my motives were generally God-directed.

That is, until March of this year. One day while I was praying about my faith and my writing ministry, I felt challenged to give up blogging for Lent. That would mean a 40-day period without updating my blog, a frightening thought for a writer. Until that day, I had updated my blog several times a week for the last 4 years. I had been so diligent about my writing that I even enlisted guest bloggers to post during my honeymoon.

For the last four years I had been entirely committed to my writing ministry. But at what cost? And for what reason? Those were the questions I found myself asking this past March, which is why I decided to follow the Spirit’s leading and give up blogging for forty days.

Just before I signed off, I wrote the following reflections about my ministry fast:

I need to spend time examining my heart and remembering why I started writing in the first place. I need to prune out my false motives and purify them. And most of all, I need to surrender myself to God’s love and grace so that my heart is captured by Him in a way that breathes life into my writing and directs me toward His glory, not my own.

For some of you it may be difficult to understand how tough a decision this was for me. But there is still a part of me that feels stupid for doing it. Whenever I think about the passage of 40 days without a single update on here, all I can see is my blog traffic plummeting. It hurts me to think about it. But the fact that it hurts shows me just how necessary this break is. My heart isn’t breaking for the ministry opportunities lost, but for the loss of readership I worked so hard to build. It’s me I’m hurting for.

So I took the plunge and I didn’t write for forty days. The first day or two were tough, but it quickly became clear that I needed the break. I needed to get out of my performance mode and be still with God. And it couldn’t have been a better decision, not because my writing suddenly improved afterwards but because it provided me the space to remember my First Love. I wasn’t studying the Bible and spending time in prayer for anyone but me. That sabbatical was just the thing I needed to recalibrate my heart and fall in love with Jesus again.

Not everyone has the luxury of stepping away from ministry for such an extended length of time, but this experience convinced me of the importance of checking my motives regularly. In a world where social media puts our lives on constant display, the line between genuine service to God and performance for others becomes blurry. Each one of us therefore needs safeguards to steer clear of that line, whether that means an occasional break from Twitter and blogging, or simply observing the Sabbath each week.

However you choose to step back and recalibrate your ministry and relationships, the important thing is that you do. John Calvin once said that our hearts are idol factories, and I titled my sign-off post after that quote. Like a piano that gradually drifts off pitch if it is not consistently re-tuned, our hearts will inevitably drift out of harmony with God. An occasional re-tuning is a wonderful antidote for our idolatrous hearts.

Our hope is that this will be a place where we, the Cultivate Her planning team, can post thoughts, news about upcoming events, photos, ramblings, videos, recaps, and much more. It will be a way for us to stay in touch between our monthly events.

But know, that this is your place too. Don’t hesitate to speak up, comment, give feedback, share advice, affirm others.

Well, thanks for stopping by to say “hi.” Remember, “wherever you lead, lead well.”

PS- Follow us on Twitter too at (you guessed it) @cultivateher.